Comic Cuts - 8 June 2018

Friends, there's no sugar coating this... I've had a foul week. Between writing the last episode of this column on Thursday and it posting early on Friday morning, I'd spent half the night running to the loo and the other half nervously wondering whether I might be better off waiting in the loo, just in case.

At first I thought it might have been a touch of food poisoning, but the only thing I'd eaten that Mel hadn't was some eggs I had on Thursday lunchtime, and I'd fried those solid. Only the kind of virus that lives on molten volcanic rock could have survived the frying I gave those eggs. So that leaves a mild dose of gastroenteritis, which (I was later told) has been making the rounds locally.

Friday and Saturday were a complete write-off. I had hoped to go and see Solo on Saturday evening, but didn't feel up to it. And they probably wouldn't have let me wheel a commode into the theatre. Even on Sunday it felt like my stomach was a balled fist. We went for a walk anyway, working on the theory that if walking was good for back pain, maybe it was good for front pain, too. Monday and Tuesday saw the fist starting to loosen, from "dynamic tension" (remember those ads?) to the sort of fist you might wave at a cat who has just done a whoopsie on your lawn.

Wednesday I felt fine... just in time for my dental check up! My teeth are fine, apparently, but I signed up for the dental hygienist just to make sure everything is nice and clean. Usually they're really busy and I thought I'd have a few months to mentally prepare myself as I'm naturally averse to having people scrape around my teeth and gums with needles, sandpaper and power saws. Well, that's what it feels like. Unfortunately, they'd had a cancellation, so I'm seeing them on Friday... TODAY! Oh, hell.

Marcella starring five grim new dwarfs: Pushy, Insecurity, Misery, Pervy and Horny.
Munich – putting the "er" in thriller.

Adding to my misery, although admittedly this has been self-inflicted, we've been watching Marcella, which has been on the box since February/March. We should have known what to expect, having seen the first series, but I'd forgotten just how miserable the show was, each character trying to be more ghastly than the last. I don't mind flawed characters as sometimes that makes for interesting TV, but this lot were just joyless, awful human beings with not an ounce of empathy to share between them. There will probably be a third series, but you can count us out.

Also, I've just finished Munich by Robert Harris which has to be the least thrilling thriller I've ever read. Who would have thought the lead-up to the signing of the Munich Agreement was so boring. The whole book is an insomniacs dream because it's so completely free of any action that you'll be asleep in no time. There are one or two hints that something might happen – a plot to overthrow Hitler is mentioned early, for instance – but then it doesn't happen and is never mentioned again. It's a form of literary clickbait and, as with most clickbait, you'll only end up disappointed.

I've also been trying to deal with a parcel of two books that doesn't want to be delivered. It went out on 27 May and hadn't arrived by 5 June, so I thought it lost. It wasn't... the Royal Mail had it and I was told the address was wrong. It wasn't. The business it was addressed to has been going for over 40 years and I've had packages to them delivered regularly for the past seven years. So we tried a courier, who found they (surprise, surprise) couldn't get a response at 6.40 this morning, so the package is now at a depot at Feltham. I've now supplied them with an alternate address... This one could run and run.

I have some random scans for you this week. Just a round-up of recent purchases... the charity shops of Colchester continue to turn up occasional treasures.